Sweeter Than The HoneySweeter Than The Honey

          Kamilah Wright has a lot on her shoulders for someone entering their senior year of high school. Not only does her mom expect her to raise the other seven children in their home, but she's also required to turn a blind eye to her father's infidelity, as well as maintain a perfect 4.0 GPA in order to get the academic scholarship she desperately needs to attend college. To complicate matters even more, she's also a rape victim. The only person she's told is her best friend, Eric, whom she's secretly in love with. Through all of this Kamilah convinces herself that she has everything under control.

          That is until she meets Summer Freeman. The beautiful new girl at school, Summer introduces Kamilah to a lifestyle that she's never known, including fashion, luxury, and alternative viewpoints that conflict with her Christian upbringing. Pretty soon the love she has for her new friend evolves into something more, and Kamilah has to prove which love she will devote herself to. Will she stay in the same sex relationship that feels so right, or will she embrace the faith she didn't know meant so much to her?

BOOK EXCERPT

          Eric took my hand into his and squeezed it tightly. My eyes closed as the tears fell, and I was thankful that my best friend was there for me. Had he not been, I probably would have lost my mind. As he and I stood in the packed gymnasium at the memorial service for my ex-boyfriend, Eddie Jackson, I could only think three things: Eddie was dead, I was glad, and I hoped the bastard burned in hell.

          Our relationship, if it merited the right to be called as such, lasted all of ten days. That was as long as Eddie was willing to wait for what I didn’t want to freely give away. As soon as he saw his wooing wasn’t enough, he took what he wanted by force.

          I’d known Eddie my whole life. As kids we’d gone to the same elementary school, middle school, and East Central High together. Last year he was failing his math class and always asked me for help. Because of me, he was able to pass his junior year. For some reason I started liking him. He must have noticed, because soon he was sweet-talking me. The only problem was his sweet-talking was x-rated, and I just wasn’t that type of girl. I let him know that I didn’t plan on having sex until I was in a committed relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I obliged, but I learned a little too late that the only reason he wanted to be my man was to get in my pants.

          On the last day of school he offered me a ride home. Something told me not to get in the car with him, but because he was my boyfriend I opted to take the air-conditioned path on cushioned leather seats instead of the two-mile hike home. He was my boyfriend, so I thought he was looking out for me. I got in his car, but instead of turning right onto my street he made a left, and we ended up parked behind an old building. As soon as the ignition was off, he was all over me, telling me that it was my duty to give him some because I was his girlfriend. I fought him and screamed as loud as I could until he punched me in the face and ripped my panties off and did what he did. I stopped screaming because I was scared that he might actually kill me. When he finished, he dropped me off at my house where my little brothers and sisters were sitting on the porch. Besides my parents, I was the only one who had a key to the house. I let them in and went straight to my room with blood dripping down my legs and took a shower. For the next three days whenever I peed it felt like razors were coming out. Mama didn’t even notice something was wrong with me. All she cared about was the dinner I overcooked because I went to sleep after I put it in the oven. She didn’t even see the big bruise on my face.

          That was the last time I spoke to Eddie. I saw him at the mall a few weeks later, and he had Jamie Thompson on his arm. She had on his varsity jacket, even though it had to be over a hundred degrees outside. When he saw me he smirked as if he thought what he did was funny. Another time I took my brothers and sisters to the park while he was there playing basketball with some of his friends. He still had that same stupid smirk on his face. So when I found out three days ago that he got hit by a drunk driver and was pronounced dead on the scene, I rejoiced. I was happy he was gone. He got what he deserved. I wanted my first time to be special, and he had no right to take that away from me or my future lover.

          My conscious was getting the best of me, though. While the devil on my left shoulder said to throw a party, the angel on my right shoulder said I should ask God to forgive me for being so evil. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. As much as I wanted to believe in God, my faith was wavering.

          I think it started happening when I was in the eighth grade, and I saw my dad grab Ms. Shelly Crawford’s behind at the church picnic. My pregnant mother was only a few feet away and saw the whole thing. When he realized he’d been caught, he had the audacity to look the other way like nothing was wrong. When I confronted Mama about the situation, her response about men being men and women having to be submissive because the bible said so didn’t do much to redirect my ill feelings about faith. Then Deacon Atkins, my favorite youth leader at the church, was sent away because our pastor decided that he just didn’t like him anymore. Finally, the incident with Eddie. So now my lack of devotion, as well as my hatred for a person who was no longer here, was tormenting me.

          I leaned my head on Eric’s shoulder and wiped the tears that were streaming down my face. The school counselor kept talking about what a great person Eddie was and how much he would be missed. All around the gymnasium I couldn’t help but to see the tears of other girls as well, and I wondered how many of them had been raped by him, or if I was the only one.

          After the counselor finished speaking, a minister stood up and offered a prayer for those who believed in the power of it. I held my head down out of respect for faith, even though I wasn’t absolutely sure I had any left.

          Just as he was asking the Lord for comfort and guidance, one of the side doors to the gymnasium noised a loud bang. Everyone looked over, and standing there, flustered and embarrassed, was a girl that I had never seen before. It was obvious she wasn’t from anywhere around here. The hair around her shoulders was big and curly, the top half pulled up in a ponytail. She was dressed in a low cut dress that fit her like it was spandex, and her arms were full of textbooks and an oversized purse.

          The room stood still as everyone watched her. Even the preacher, who was supposed to have known better, couldn’t take his eyes off this beautiful girl. Eric stared as well, and as much as I wanted to I couldn’t deny the perfection of her body. The girl shrunk back as the gym filled with murmuring and her light complexion revealed panic through her cheeks. A teacher walked over and escorted her to a seat on the bleachers, then signaled for the preacher to continue his prayer. He did, but almost everyone’s eyes stayed on the girl, including mine.

          When the preacher finished a couple of Eddie’s friends got up and spoke of fond memories with him. Afterward the counselor told us that she would be available anytime to talk to us, and shortly thereafter we were excused to return to our classes.

          “You okay?” Eric asked me as others walked past us out of the gym.

          I nodded and wiped my eyes.

          “It’s okay,” he said, and hugged me. As he did I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his chest.

          “Did you see that one girl?”

          I pulled away and gave him the same empty smile that I always did when he talked about other girls. I already knew what he was going to say. She was fine, she was sexy, and he wanted to bang her. I hated when he talked about girls that way. He always ended up asking me what to do to get their attention, as if I was anything like the superficial girls that he liked. Shortly after he would hook up with these girls, and then tell me all about their escapades. Even though I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to know every single detail, he would only laugh and continue with his story anyway because “that’s what friends were for.”

          The truth of the matter was that I loved Eric. He and I had been best friends ever since I could remember. Since we were babies we’d gone to the same church and had been tight ever since those early mornings of Ms. King’s Sunday School class. Five years ago I fell in love with him, but had been keeping it to myself for the sake of saving our friendship. I knew that Eric didn’t look at me that way. At 5’6”, dark skinned, and one hundred and sixty pounds, I wasn’t exactly his type. He preferred girls like the one he was gawking at now across the gym. Skinny, light skin, a lot of hair, and well dressed. I wasn’t that and never would be, so I was content with just being his friend. Eric was a great guy underneath the raging hormones that perverted his teenage brain, and I didn’t know what I would do without him in my life.

          “Yeah, I saw her,” I replied with reluctance.

          “Man, she was fine!”

          “Ssssshhhh,” I hushed him, embarrassed by the looks others gave at his loud outburst.

          “I’m sorry. But you know how I get. Man, I gotta find out about her. I gotta get that.”

          “You are so gross,” I said with disappointment.

          “No, I’m not. I’m a man.”

          “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

          “Come on and let’s go to the journalism room. I can’t wait for Ms. Tisdale to announce you as the new editor-in-chief.”

          “We don’t know if I got it yet.”

          “Quit acting crazy, girl. Who else in the whole world would get it but you?”

          He was talking about The Cavern, our student body magazine of which he and I had been on staff since our freshman year. I was the most dedicated of all the staff, had studied journalism the longest, and had won the most writing awards. It would have been ridiculous not to pick me. But it was still up to the staff to vote, and that would happen as soon as we got to class.

          “Alright, come on big head,” I said.

          As we walked out of the gym I concentrated as hard as I could on not running over to the hanging pictures of Eddie and ripping them to shreds.